The Last Resort: Advice Column
Discount advice for the desperate and dissillusioned
How do I convince my BFF to move back home?!
Reverse psychology. Flaunt how much fun you are having without them. If you were really unethical, you could try feigning a serious illness. Have faith that no life is worth living without your BFF by your side for too long, and like a homing pigeon, they will always find their way back home to you, eventually, one way or another.
True friendship lives on, ebbs and flows in a life of it’s own in the ether, regardless of space, time, death, shitty possessive relationships, new found wealth or poverty, political divides, prison sentences and so on… true friendship is far stronger than any love because the bond is based on conditional (yes, conditional) mutual respect and the ability to appreciate and love someone without needing them necessarily (not to say they can’t be there for you).
Anyway, I know who asked this… and I’ll be home by the end of the year at the latest for a long visit and I love you. There will always be nursing home time to look forward to! ;-)
How can I convince you to come back to London?
To live? I don’t know if I could live there again, I’m really trying to move my white ass closer to the equator and warmer climates. I will be playing on March 31st at London Palladium though!
How to stay positive?
When I first read about writing lists of things you’re grateful for it made me want to barf, because I liked to consider myself a cynic and too rock n roll for touchy feely bullshit like that. BUT, I discovered that I am in fact a cautiously glass-half full person, despite regular bouts of absurdly catastrophic thinking. I will admit that in 2022 I began writing down 3 things I was grateful for everyday, and it has made me by far a more positive person, after only a few weeks, and my lists keep getting bigger. Gratitude practice has science behind it, it’s not woo woo.
Should I buy your mum’s book or wait for the movie?
You gotta buy the book -Lovers, Dreamers, Fighters. It’s written by a lyricist after all, in beautiful prose. There’s so much detail and research in there that could be lost with a movie. Oh man, it’s good!! It will really light a fire under you. Proud baby here.
Being newly single -what should I do and not do?
Definitely do all the things you thought you couldn’t but wanted to when you were “coupled”. Definitely pour all that love, time and attention you have spare into friends and family. Definitely get your rocks off. Definitely don’t force it. Definitely don’t try to get an STD. Definitely don’t wallow in misery or waste any time. Oh, and focus and making you and your life everything you want it to be for the next time someone comes into your life, if that’s something you want. Remember that being solo is also a valid choice and aspiration and can be a hugely rewarding life. Let love in when it comes, but don’t force it.
How to mend a broken heart?
Revenge. Focus. Distraction. Living your best life? Just waiting for time to do it’s job, like it always does? Or begging on your knees on their doorstep, in tears and tell them you would do anything to have them back, you are willing to make some changes and adaptations and prove it with tangible actions. If that fails, or they have already moved on, let it be, knowing it’s not meant to be right now. They made their choice and that means it’s best for you too. Who wants unrequited love? No thanks. It’s totally indulgent. If you’re not using it for art or to inspire you then let it goooo…
How to carry on when you’re only months away from reaching your goal of 8 years, but all you feel like doing is give up, cry and fall asleep?
Giving up will be really temporary respite, that will then create a whole world of more pain for you potentially. You totally have my permission to cry and sleep though. You actually need to do both of those things as soon as possible. Let it out! Prioritise a good sleep, if possible, because it will make your other time more productive and it’s not overrated. You’re so close, hang in there!! Just blast music through your headphones all day and power on. You got this. Think about how great you will feel at the end, and remember to enjoy the process! There’s just more giant hills for you to climb after this one (haha!), so make it worth it. You chose this. Live it.
How do you overcome writers block/general motivation to create? I’m in that slump…
Find inspiration in other peoples work, do research, dig deeper in dusty corners and find new things you’ve never seen, heard or felt before. Think about what creation you need and desire in your own life and make it.
Should I stay or should I go?
Go. If you’re thinking about it, it’s probably a “Go”. Think about what you would need to want to stay, make sure you communicate it. Don’t waste anyone’s time.
When I tell you you have a magnificent body, will you hold it against me?
Only a little.
Happy Weekend Lovers.
xx
Holiday Sidewinder
You can submit your own questions directly to fanclub@holidaysidewinder.com, or DM me on IG or Twitter and I will answer them next month!