The Last Resort: Advice Column
Discount advice for the desperate and disillusioned from the last person you should ask.
Dear Readers, the questions came thick and fast this month. Here for you in all my depravity and wholesomeness.
How do I marry Alex Cameron?
Definitely a question only him or his wife could answer. Odds are against you.
Should I move to Brisbane or Sydney?
Neither!! Move to The Whitsundays! Make real good use of that Australian residence.
How can I commit to writing music when my fear of failure stops me?
Firstly, stop thinking about writing music as something that could be subject to failure or success. Just make it if you want to, feel compelled to and you enjoy it. There’s absolutely no good reason to do it other than that.
Best way to move on from an ex besides listening to ‘whispers’ on repeat?
Do nice things for other people. Do nice things for yourself. Switch to Leo. Write your own Leo. Meet your own Leo. Eat pizza.
What would be the best advice to give to a musician who wants to be the next Herb Alpert?
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, KEEP GOING.
How do I lose 5kg?
Exercise 30 mins daily, stand and walk more. 8 Minute Abs.
Eat lots of fruits, vegetables, ferments, legumes, whole grains, seeds and nuts.
Drink water (exclusively) and lots of it.
Sleep 7-8 hours, same time every night (earliest before midnight is better).
Eat within your circadian rhythm. Wait 2 hours after waking to eat, stop eating at least 3 hours before going to sleep.
Have ice baths/showers
How can I let go of a relationship I know isn’t working but physically is so good?
You have three options:
Keep fucking, stop dating, stop being exclusive
Figure out what isn’t working, address it, talk about it, see if you/they can make the changes to fix it.
Cut n run. There’s always more and better sex, can’t say the same for a good personality match and an easy enjoyable relationship.
How can I make a new friend in my 30s
Weirdly, so hard. I think the best way is to do things -go to gigs, tai chi classes, gay bars, yoga, cults, pottery, sky diving -whatever the hell you’re interested in, just do it. You’ll meet like minded people and people who are very different to you that you might get on with. I got chatting to the guy staying in the little hut next to me in Thailand -turns out he was a trump supporter (usually a deal breaker for me), he was ex military and a real estate agent (25 years older than me) and you’d never imagine we would be friends in any other setting, but I really enjoyed his company and we had more in common than not and some really great chats. Turned out his wife made techno music! Be brave, kind and chatty (who cares if you seem like a weirdo, got nothing to lose at this point). Perform acts of kindness to strangers. They might become friends. Bring your neighbour cookies. Write to strangers on the internet, meet them in person (check they’re not serial killers)? Travel.
How to tell if this girl is into me or just gold digging?
You’re probably not as rich as you think. Either way, let her dig the gold, she deserves it. She can’t walk home after dark without a justified fear of being attacked. She earns less than you because she has tits and is financially disadvantaged in every way in the workplace and over her career lifetime because she has a pussy. Do your duty as the apex predator, as a privileged male. Pay for her cabs and dinners, hell even her rent -and enjoy her company. Worth more than gold. If she doesn’t like you, she will let you know. If you don’t feel good about it, stop hanging out with her. Trust your gut, be confident in knowing you couldn’t pay most people enough money to hang out with someone they hate all day. Just my opinion.Tik Tok 4 U
Deep down I *know* I’m cute, How do I silence the voice that says I’m not?
Trust the voice that’s deep down, when the bitch appears saying you’re not. That toxic bitch is a liar and is not to be trusted. She will leave if you don’t give her anything to feed on. Give the deep down voice a megaphone.
A toxic friend who left a town in a huff three years ago (and who I got to avoid due to Rona restrictions) decided to call me up on Thursday for a chat as if all is hunky dory. I am worried they will decide to turn up for a visit when I don’t want anything to do with them ever again! Without getting way into it, they are prone to manipulation, and just very toxic… what do I do?
Behind every crappy person is a world of hurt. I like to ghost because I’m cowardly and non confrontational (social etiquette is to just get the picture when someone ices you out of their life -move on!). If they don’t get it and genuinely want to make amends, it might be worth meeting at a public place to have a frank conversation about their behaviour and how it affects you and makes you feel (like you’d like to avoid them and isn’t the kind of friendship you want to maintain). If you don’t want to take this route, set clear boundaries. If they don’t listen, block them everywhere. If they turn up to your house, tell them that it’s not okay with you for them to turn up unannounced. Be honest. If they are violent, call the cops.
Are there any occasions when it is not appropriate (for men, women, others) to go commando?
With clothes? All for it. Though I would say maybe be careful in short baggy board shorts as I was scarred for life (at the sea snake in front of me) as child wearing goggles underwater in a resort pool.
Curious how you go about finding music video directors?
Always good to start with videos you like. I’ve always worked with friends. You can grow and learn together. Take a chance on someone who needs one.
I spent all weekend with a coworker. I feel for her but we are both confused. Now what?
The saying is “don’t shit in your own backyard”. It’s wise, but I doubt anyone ever listened to that advice. What will be, will be. It probably shouldn’t feel confusing. If it feels exciting and good -go for it. Have a minute to think how it might effect her work life and opportunities. Women are often dealt harsher consequences in situations like this.
Should I become a singer-songwriter or a teacher?
Both! Teaching, in my books, is one of the most admirable and important careers there is. Singing and songwriting is something you can always do, that is easy to do alongside other things to have a full balanced, life.
You can submit your own questions directly to fanclub@holidaysidewinder.com, or DM me on IG or Twitter and I will answer them next month!